2013 will bring many changes, but I just wanted my readers to know that I just started starting another round of HGH for my psoriatic arthritis. My right hand has been in severe pain, and my middle finger will not straighten. Other then my right hand being in pain, my PA has been behaving. My psoriasis has also been disappearing. I am also going to be taking the Anavar again with the HGH, since this combination works wonders for my body. I will keep my readers posted as this journey continues from now until 3 months from now, when I will order more HGH again. I could not get the Pfizer Gentropin Pen, so I am back on Jinotropin, which is what I took when I first started using HGH for my PA. I am excited to be back on it again, and have been dosing from 1.5 mm to 2 mm a day. Nothing more! Stay Tuned and Stay Healthy! 🙂
Month: December 2012
Hurricane Sandy
This post is long overdue….but Hurricane Sandy turned my life upside-down…literally.
Freeport had a mandatory evacuation on Sunday before the storm, so I packed up what I could, put my cat in her carrier, and headed to my parents. Thank god I kept my computer and television on the second floor of my house on the water, because they would have been ruined, like everything else.
Sunday was calm, quiet, and almost completely too quiet…It scared me that this monster of a storm was coming, yet it was disturbingly surreal all at once… Monday came in like a lion…and stayed like a lion. First it started with some wind and rain…the wind was so powerful at times that is felt like it was coming through the house. My parents live in North Bellmore, in Nassau County on Long Island in an old house.
We had everything all set up. Flashlights, water bottles, coolers, bags of ice, our chargers, cell phones charged all the way up, our computers charged up, and my iPad as well. Everything was ready for the storm, but I wasn’t. The panic, fear, and horror didn’t officially set in until Monday afternoon. The sky was a dark gray, purple, green, color…it looked angry, mad, and even like it wanted revenge…It wasn’t a sky of panic or fear…just something that looked like it was about to drop a hammer.
I remember it vividly now… the sound of the wind…the sound of the sirens…the sound of the cracks, booms, and pops of transformers….the fireworks of sparks and fire…the dangling wires throughout the roads…trees ripped out of the ground…the groud ripped out from tree roots…cars and houses crushed…power out for days…gas lines and gas rastioning…no atms…no charging cell phones or computers…no fuel to get around…nowhere to escape, to run to, or to hide…
So the text messages started…I started texting everyone I knew…seeing how they were doing..and then I decided to text my landlords sons. I needed to know if they stayed, or evacuated, and if our houses were starting to flood. I’ll never forget when I got the text from my landlord’s son that the water had completely submerged their first floor….which is lower than my first floor….but thats when I knew it was bad…It was a full moon, high tide, and the perfect storm all at once. Literally, the perfect combination for a storm surge to come in and take all of Freeport with it…I then got another text…”the water has come in past the first floor…we are going to move up to the second floor…its coming up a ft every half hour….” After I received that text I knew my entire first floor in my house was done. Done as in, everything was destroyed…done as in I should have packed up MORE and MOVED MORE, and done MORE. Done as in, I regret living on the water in the first place. Done as in, I didn’t believe what I was reading, experiencing, or thinking….not wanting to deal with reality at that moment in time…
Little did I know just how bad the damage was, or that when I would return to my house the next day…there would be a moat around it…of water and that it was impossible to get inside…unless I climbed up and over the railing…and that the lawn furniture, chairs, etc were floating around like toys…that my landlords oil tank had burst and oil was seeping into the soil around my house…
Well, when I did return the day after…I couldn’t believe my eyes. All of my furniture was moved…like it floated around and had a party…like it was robbed…like it was picked up and thrown. All of my photo albums, scrapbooks, photography books, art and design books…all of my doctoral files, work, portfolios, and doctoral textbooks (which are extremely expensive even if they are bought USED) were destroyed. Aside from the books and items I was devastated about…all of my coats were submerged, and my shoes. I had moved these items to the first floor, because my arthritis was bothering me and I wanted more items on the first floor. Well I should have just left everything upstairs in the closet months ago, because Sandy took those too. Sandy also destroyed my couch and living room/furniture, my kitchen, refrigerator, bathroom, and my home office space. All of the furniture on the first floor had to be tossed…it was unsalvagable and just completely waterlogged.
The stench is something I will never forget. There was seaweed and other water-dwelling vermin on the walls and hanging on my furniture…as if the sea was inside..The smell was a mixture of low-tide, sulfur, oil, sewage, and the sea…it reeked. I had to open all of the windows just to stand in the ruins for a minute. The smell permeated my nostrils and still does to this day when I think about it.
I remember my house…before all of this..and how much I enjoyed being close to work (7 minute commute), being in a private location (house behind a house), being in a house on the water, and having a space of my own for me and my cat Bubby. I remember how cute my house was…how everyone who came to see it LOVED IT, and the comments they would make. I remember having a place to call my HOME. A place that I could relax in, retreat to, and hide from the world in….A place that I could focus and get my doctoral work done…A place that I could sit outside on the canal, on the dock, and drink some wine…A place that is no more.
Maybe it was time for me to get out of there. Maybe this storm was long overdue. Maybe hurricanes will happen more often. Maybe I’ll be much more prepared next time. Maybe I will never, ever, live on the water again. Maybe I’ll never go back to that house again. Maybe I’ll leave NY state and find a job somewhere else…..Maybe this was all meant to be and meant to happen…
I can’t help but question why natural disasters happen, but climate change cannot be ignored. Everyone knows the weather channel always HYPES up these storms and makes them seem worse than they really are. I do not think ANYONE really thought Sandy would be this large or devastating to so many states and communities. Aside from my home, many of my students homes were impacted as well. Instead of crying, and having several nervous breakdowns (which I did) and going out with my amazing friends…and just taking the time to breathe and to relax….I realized that I was much better off then most. That I had a place to move into (my parents) and a place for my cat Bubby to live for the time being. I realized that even though I LOST a lot…I didn’t lose things that mattered all that much to me. This storm made me realize what is really important to me in life, and that everything we own isn’t who we are. Everything we own is just things….things and more things…and more things…that we really don’t need….By nature I am a collector…someone who loves to collect THINGS. Well after this storm I realized that I do not need to collect things…because when you lose those things…it hurts. It hurts to lose what you love, what you collect, what you work so hard for, what you love to buy for yourself…what others buy for you…gifts, things, and more tchotchkes. These items take on another meaning after they are lost. Are you mourning the loss of your home? Or are you mourning the loss of those thingamajigs….those things you don’t need? Are you mourning the loss of items that weren’t all that important to you? What is really important to you? What is it that defines you? What do you really need in your life? Do you really need things in your life that make you happy? Or are there other ways to be happy? This attachment to these items hurt me. I was hurting, I was crying, I was SO angry at myself. I was SO angry that this hurricane happened and hurt so many….and took away from them everything… I was so pissed off that this hurricane came, went, and left nothing.
I am still angry to this day. I don’t feel sad or upset anymore….its just anger. Anger and rage that people lost their homes and everything else that makes up a home. Memories that can never come back….items that reflect a childhood or past… photos that will never be seen again….all of these memories that just floated away… Seriously think about all of the items that are in the ocean now…a photo may just wash up on the other side of the world from this storm…
I had to make SEVERAL trips to my ruined house to empty out everything….I couldn’t even think or process what was happening or what was going on. I couldn’t deal with this…I couldn’t handle it right way…or maybe there is no right way to handle it… I thought, how can I do this? How can I move out in a few trips, back in with my parents, and carry on with my life? How the hell am I supposed to get normalcy back? How the fuck am I supposed to focus on my doctoral work and my teaching? How can I even get up in the morning, get dressed, and put a fucking smile on my face….how can I pretend that I am OK, when I am not ok….Well the trips were exhausting. Day after day we emptied what was left…It was emotionally draining to go through all of the destroyed items and see what had survived and what had not. To see things I have had my entire life turned to shreds of mushy mush…artwork I did in H.S. and College that I will never get back… my student teaching portfolio which was under water for three days… Day after day, and item after item killed me…I was reaching my breaking point after each day…losing a little bit more of my sanity and my mind…My parents would ask me “Do you WANT this?” Do you Need this? Do you want to try to save this?…I couldn’t even answer…I couldn’t even open my mouth…I didn’t know what to say. I was speechless. The girl who never shuts up had NOTHING to say for once…silenced by a storm that ruined her place she called home for four years…
The heaps of garbage and ruins were everywhere. You couldn’t get down a street because the piles blocked it. My heap of shit was huge…it got bigger everyday…I just wanted to throw everything of mine away…I didn’t want or need anything because I was upset and angry. I didn’t want to deal or think about this…it killed me. The pain still hurts me everyday and the thought of what I lost is still there…but there is no time like the present to move on…to pick up the fucking pieces…and press on…keep going…finding the encouragement, the love and the support to continue on this insane journey called life… I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel…but I found it somehow. Sometimes it takes a fucking hurricane like SANDY to put things in perspective and give you a round-swift kick in the ass to get going, and get moving. Maybe I needed it….maybe I deserved it..maybe my psoriatic arthritis + a hurricane is what god has intended for me to live with and deal with and get through to write this post today…who knows….Everything happens for a reason…what doesn’t kill you sure makes you stronger. Keep bringing it! I am ready! Bring on the next challenge, the next disaster…the next kick I need in the ass!
All I do know is that my family saved my life. My parents took me in, and moved me back into the house I called I home for my entire childhood. I am now living in my old bedroom which is SO much smaller than I remember it…but it’s cozy. The closets are tiny and nothing like the GIANT one I had in my old house…So you need to do what every women needs to do at some point in their life…Downsize that wardrobe the donate the items you don’t need. I found out one of my students and her mother lost everything. I gave them my favorite clothes, bags, and shoes in the entire world and donated it to them. So if you have the time, donate your time…to help…This isn’t something that is going to be fixed in a month or so…it will take years to recover.
We are all in this together….
And in the words of Forest Gump…”That’s all I have to say about that!”
More later….stay tuned….
Psoriatic Arthritis Warriors! 